I don't care if it hurts
I want to have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice when I'm not around.

I feel like I'm endangering something good. He's worried about me, now, and my crippling inability to voice my concerns just add to that problem.

I just feel so stuck. I don't want to start another conversation about how he should get away from them and come with me, because the more I bring it up, if he finally makes his decision and comes with me, I'll feel guilty.

Or, alternatively, if he makes the decision to dump my ass, I'll feel even worse.

I just hate being alone. I'm not built for this. I can't go from being with him, with his constant assurance and such, to suddenly being separated from him. Not without starting to worry a lot.

I worry that he's lying when he says he misses me, and even when he says he loves me. That he's only saying these things because he thinks that's what I want to hear, because I've annoyed him to the brink of madness.

He tells me that nothing I do could annoy him, but I suddenly feel so afraid that every step I take is just something horribly, horribly wrong that I shouldn't have done.

I find myself so scared when I am with him that I forget to enjoy myself, sometimes. Happening more often, now. Like if I'm not careful to make our time together the best and carefree and wonderful, that I'll have ruined everything.

Nagging has no place in that. My tears have no place in that. So when I give in and express what's been eating away at me, I feel like a failure to him.

I should be more secure than this. You'd think he'd realize that and get rid of me.

Maybe I should take a shower before we go out.

Either way, I'm going to go do the only thing that kicks me out of these moods: Talk about it, and go do something productive.

1 have eaten my cookies

SleepyJane - 2008-01-24 17:11:34
I think that he wouldn't be with you if he didn't love you. You shouldn't be so hard on yourself and be confident of the fact that he chooses to be with you - because he enjoys you and loves you. I understand you worry, and if you talk to him about it and he says he doesn't think you're annoying that you should just breathe and hug him hard! :) I hope that it gets better for you hun!

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Cage in my mind.