Days like this, I don't know what to do with myself.
All day - and all night.
I wander the halls along the walls and under my breath.
I say to myself.
I need fuel - to take flight
Many of my past days have been very up or kind of down. Today has been a bizarre spectrum of both extremes, and I'm not sure I really like that. At least I'm ending on a good note, though.
I started the day exhausted. The drive home from Jay's was insanely difficult (I had to keep slapping myself to stay awake). Apparently, not sleeping much for an entire weekend, then staying out until 2 in the morning on Monday will make you a little sleepy. Go figure.
I cracked open the Genetics books, studied, then went to take the test I had this morning. It wasn't that hard, and I think I did pretty well on it. The professor teaches on such a rudimentary level, then tries to trick you with overly verbose questions on the test, which seems kind of like a shitty thing to do, but eh. He didn't fool me with wording.
Came back to the 'partment, skimmed the end of Kim, and wrote a paper detailing my thoughts on the book (it sucked). Then I napped, and went to Government and World Lit. Pretty mediocre afternoon. Came back to the apartment, cooked up a sandwich and some crackers, then proceeded to pass the hell out.
I woke up and apparently slept through Math. I didn't really mean to. I felt absolutely awful, though. My stomach was sick, I felt overheated and disgusting, and it was simply miserable. I laid there and slept for a little longer, then forced myself out of bed.
The only way to make myself feel better on days like this, where I want to curl up and never move again, is to make myself get up and do stuff. I'm really glad I did, because I would have hated myself otherwise.
Grocery shopping, laundry, shower, homework, printing out notes, dinner cooked, all done. I was happily productive, and I feel a hell of a lot better now than I did, but gah.
Talking to Jay for a couple hours via the phone helped, too.
I just hate days like this, and I've had more and more of them. I don't think I'm depressed or anything, but I think my hormones are still having a hell of a time adjusting to this whole birth control routine. I'm a little moodier and sleepier, but I think it's getting better?
PMS doesn't help with that, either. Bleh. I've been cramping and on the verge of tears for no reason for a couple days now, so... hurry the hell up, dammit. I have stuff to do this weekend.
And by "stuff to do," I mean "Have a Firefly and Serenity marathon with my boyfriend."
Speaking of: Impending topic shift...
So.
I think I may have sex soon.
I am totally a dumb, young girl in love with an amazingly awesome boy, and I'm wary of what I'm feeling.
I'm so damn mature, and I want to just give in and feel good and have fun with someone I trust, but I'm just...
It's not the act itself I'm worried about. It's definitely the impending consequences, and social mores associated with it.
For example: Do I tell my parents? Mom was fully in support of the birth control prescription, and she seems to be in support of my decisions out here. To an extent.
She gives me such mixed messages. She tells me not to have sex, then tells me that I should be careful and have fun and use condoms, and that she wants me to be in love and experience it.
What the hell, mom? Which one do you want? How do I know which day she'll think what, and how do I approach it with her?
Do I even tell her? Would she be more upset to know that I'm sexually active, or that I didn't tell her I was considering doing it?
I'm so fucking sick of the guilt trips I give myself out here. I don't want to keep in touch about every little thing I do, but I try to do my best because they appreciate it. I love my parents, but god, I'm tired of worrying about what they think of everything I'm doing.
I don't even care what they think, I just don't want to disappoint them. And they aren't even HERE.
I'm having fun, and I'm enjoying my life, but if I had to explain it to them, I'd feel awful. I'm not even...
I'm not drinking. I'm not smoking. I'm not doing drugs. I'm experiencing love and life and friends and I'm exploring who I am and what I want. That's nothing to be damned ashamed of.
I know how to protect my body from disease and pregnancy. I know when to say I'm uncomfortable with something, and where to draw the line, because Jay listens to me and backs off when I so much as look awkward.
I never swore to keep my virginity until I was married/engaged/75, whatever. I don't have these lofty ideals about it. I think it's special, and something I can't get back, and that I should be careful with who I choose to have sex with.
I know that, biologically speaking, when you have sex, your body assumes you are mating for life. Women have fought for the rights to have their sexual freedoms, and they are getting closer politically, but their bodies will forever be their worst enemies. Pregnancy wasn't bad enough, no, the hormone oxytocin has to make everything worse.
The heartache associated with making poor decisions with my body is something I have considered. I would not sleep with someone who I feared would someday hurt me.
I can't know the future, but I have faith stronger than fearmongering and ignorance.
Anyway.
I'm conflicted, on all the wrong issues.
My biggest fear is really that we're moving too fast, and that I'm leaving myself prone to being tossed aside when he gets bored.
However, that has nothing to do with him, and everything to do with me being stupid to myself.
Sigh.
I need sleep.
Nicole - 2007-09-05 03:51:04
Hey! Okay, about the whole mom thing. I would say she doesn't HAVE to know if you feel uncomfortable with it, but then again you say you share a lot with them. Also, you are obviously mature enough to handle this. I mean, you know what you want and what you are getting in to. You'll be fine. You have good morals. (look at me, Ms mom!) So best of luck and have FUN, enjoy yourself!!! You are allowed to!! LOL
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mis - 2007-09-06 02:50:12
that all is truly ponderous. if advice from me means anything, i'd say slow up a touch, don't obsess over it, but let the edge of newness and awe mellow to a warm glow for a little and do some slow careful experimentation. there are things you can do that maintain your virginity and still serve the pleasure and intimacy wants of you both. you have a remarkable man there, so patient and understanding. discuss it with him without awkwardness, let him know your heart is sure, your head is still waffling your body is edging closer to your heart every second, then set your course together. when the whole of you both is ready, you'll know.
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So conflicted.
2007-09-04
