I'm struggling, here. Trying to remain in good spirits, when I feel the tug of depression and hopelessness on my sleeve.
It's so easy to turn to the side in my bed, close my eyes, cling to a pillow and cry into it as I wish he was here with me. It's almost too easy to tell myself that he'll never come back and that I've wasted my time.
I don't want to believe he's lying to me about his intent to move on with life and move in with me. I just cannot bring myself to fully accept it, because trusting him requires a step of faith that I want to take, but I am petrified in fear about.
I have never been in a relationship like this. I don't know what's accepted behavior and what is not. I don't understand the time frames and the general limit on how long you wait for someone to get off their ass and do something with their life.
We've only been dating for five months. Today, actually. I guess that's not enough to base a lifetime off of, but...
I'm not good at patience. I'm not good at staying calm. I'm all or nothing, and I hate that about myself, but it's true. Also, I tend to overreact. Put those together, and warning signs like this tend to spell D-O-O-M.
Whatever it is, I just know that I miss him. I want him here, with me.
Maybe all of this is just selfish desires painted over with a finishing coat of pretending to care about his well-being. I can't help it that what's best for him, to me, seems to be best for me, too.
Compare the following situations:
Living in a dingy church where they only just recently put up walls and heating, when the temperatures are hitting the 40's and 30's. Constant anxious pressure being on his shoulders when he's anywhere near the physical office of the business, due to stalkers from the internet finding the address and calling the cops on them, so he has to worry about weirdos AND the police coming in. Bosses that are never there, so he's often alone in either building, doing jobs that offer him no fulfillment or satisfaction, and that are quite obviously filler because they have no place for him and no money to pay him with. He is often told that he'd be bad at pursuing the dreams he wants to, by these people he calls friends, too.
Or:
Being home with me, looking into getting back to school, maybe finding a job that we could work on getting him to. Being able to open up career paths with a degree and experience that he cannot get in that Nowheresville where he currently lives. Someone who loves him and encourages him, instead of leaving him alone with his self-hate and then returning to dog him more.
I don't know. Maybe I'm selfish, maybe I'm not.
I just want to know he's safe, and I want to be held while I fall asleep. Is that so terribly wrong and demanding of me?
I try not to tell him what to do, but every phone conversation seems to come back to that. I hate that, because I do not want to nag. I guess it's just all I can think about when I'm near him.
I worry so goddamn much about him, and I just want him to be safe and happy, and he's told me so many times that he feels the least amount of worry and the most amount of happiness when he's with me, so why won't he just leave and come with me?
God, I don't get it, and it hurts and I worry and I'm tired.
Just tired.
SleepyJane - 2008-01-24 01:58:30
I don't think you're selfish Rach! Considering the two scenarios, yours sounds better. Don't be too hard on yourself hun! But I do know how you feel.
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It just won't stop.
2008-01-23
