This is where I meet my muse, and it feeds me.
And this is how I buy the sun, and it feeds me.
This is why I burn this candle, I light it so that I can handle this.
He's the sweetest thing that's ever happened to me, but I still just don't know how to handle myself or trust him. I mean, I do trust him. I trust him, most of the time. But when one thing is said with a tone that I interpret to be condescending or patronizing, I sink into myself and I'm lost.
Sometimes I can draw myself out without a problem, and I think I am getting better at not overreacting... but I just hope it's not taking too long for him.
He's not insistent about anything. The fact that I'm even worried about anything makes no sense. He never fails to tell me that everything is fine, that he loves me, and that I have nothing to worry about when it comes to scaring him off.
I just feel like I'm in such new territory, that it's hard to let go of my old veld and give in to this new environment. I can't release my past habits and reflexes to adjust to this new playground, but I need to, lest I lose my mind.
I don't need to be so self-aware of myself all the time. I have found someone who loves me for who I am when nobody else is watching. The man who thinks my antics are adorable, who falls literally speechless when I make doe eyes at him. The man who can't keep his hands off of me when I purr at him, and who thinks my pseudo-snoring is adorable when I'm drifting to sleep beside him.
The man who sees funny hats, puts them on my head, and is unable to verbalize just how utterly cute he thinks I look in them. The same applies for scarves.
I never thought I'd be beautiful to anybody. I don't know what I'm doing, but I think that's the point here. I don't have to do anything for him to love me, and there's very little I could do to chase him away from me, except to shut down and chase myself away from him.
He is never fleeing from me. I just sometimes hide from him, in fear. Fear that is unjustified and unwarranted.
Granted, most of the hiding occurs when I am over-inundated with hormones during That Week, but it's no excuse. I simply need to learn to let go and love with reckless abandon.
Yes, my heart may get broken. But I don't foresee that. And the fact that I don't foresee that should give me even more excuse to love like it could never happen.
We talk about our future children, for God's sake. Years and years down the road, we have... not plans, but we've talked about it, and neither feels uncomfortable with that prospect. At all, actually. We make marriage jokes incessantly, in private, and even his friends have started acting as though it's inevitable.
It's amusing, to me. Considering we have only been involved for 2 months, this is an incredibly, retardedly short period of time to really plan a future together, but nobody sees any reason not to.
He hasn't proposed, and I'm not pregnant. It is all very much piddle talk, it's just funny.
It started as a joke, though. All of it did. The marriage and the kids... we liked making the conversations as awkward as possible just to raise the bar and freak other people out, possibly even the other of us in the conversation.
But no.
Now, he looks into my eyes while we play our ridiculous kissing games and tells me, with all sincerity, that one day we will annoy the hell out of our children.
We've yet to fight about anything. We bicker sometimes, but mostly over ideology amongst friends than anything else. I'm not saying the fights won't come, but both of us are of the same mind, the same temperament, the same humor, that I have a feeling any impending fight would be solved by time alone, followed by tickles and kisses until it all gets better.
Which is just about our current method of "fixing problems" between us. This method entails both of us rubbing the other (fully clothed), making pathetic sounds and going "Fiiiix iiiiit."
I love him for his smile, for his laugh, for his geekery and for his neuroses. I love him for his hugs and his cuddles, for how he touches me and cares more about my comfort and pleasure than his own. I love him for his obliviousness, for his forgetfulness, for just how open his mind his that everything else seems to fall out sometimes.
I love his bald head, and I love his goatee. I love his fuzzy chest and the tattoo on his shoulder.
I also love that he's finally back, and he brought me food.
Hee!
~R
mis - 2007-11-11 17:05:27
and i love him for loving you so well because i love you so much. you are beautiful, Red. you are beautiful in so many eyes that it must just be yours that are flawed. know this with your whole heart and mind, with all the assurance the world has to offer that it will one day be in Wikipedia that Red is beautiful and loved.
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Justin.
2007-11-05
