No song for today, because I am too sleepy and focused on other things to really come up with one.
I'm tired, even though I slept plenty. I'm stressed, even though I know how to regurgitate vocabulary words for an exam. I'm hurting, even though I have a boy who loves me so much more than I knew would ever be possible.
Also, I'm cramping, even though my period completed itself (finally) a day ago.
This week is sucktastic.
I got moved to another location yesterday for work, just for that day, and the kids I had to watch there were even worse than the kids I have back at my current school.
My current batch of kids aren't bad at all, which is why it's killing me to hate my job so much. They're great kids. I would love to hang and watch them every now and then, but I can't do this round-up thing anymore.
I called my Director and turned in a 2-week's notice yesterday. I love the kids, but this job is not for me. I hate myself while I'm there, because I get angry and frustrated instead of having fun with the kids. I feel so stressed when I leave...
But then, of course, the guilt struck me. Why should I have guilt? I don't owe them anything. I shouldn't keep doing a job that pays for shit and that I don't enjoy, especially when I have other offers that sound more promising.
It was an experiment that failed.
Of course, I have guilt now because I can't accept the offer that's before me for another 2 weeks, which will probably irritate the offer-er, but we'll see how I can finagle my way out of this.
Augh. I am miserable right now.
I'm studying for Government (sort of), while pushing aside reading for World Lit, and studying for Math. I hate my classes right now, I hate the work involved for classes that I don't even like, and I kind of hate myself at this moment in time.
I'm itchy, I'm bitter, I'm broke, and I want nothing more than to curl back up in bed and ignore the world for today. But I can't.
Well, I could. That's the hardest thing. I could easily do that. It just wouldn't be a good decision to make, and damned if that's just what I needed more of today: Guilt.
I need to learn to trust him. I mean, I do, but I need to learn how to relax in his presence, and stop worrying about every little thing. I need to learn how to relax in general, really. I worry so much about what I can do for other people, that I forget when other people are worrying about me.
I don't understand why someone would. When he's paying attention to me, loving me, wanting to make me feel good, all I can think is that I hope I'm not boring him, that he could be getting more out of this if I could just reach him, and I tense.
I don't think my brain is in a healthy spot right now. It could be a world of things causing it, but right now, I'm focusing on trying to breathe, to relax, and to take control of my own life in a healthy way.
If only my ovaries would stop clenching every 5 seconds and making me double over in pain. That'd be nice.
Anyway. After a long, hard day at work, I'd like to be able to come to Jay's place, and just relax.
And I could. The first 2 weeks, my brain shut up entirely and let me enjoy myself. Perhaps that means we are moving a bit too fast, and I need time to process and catch up with myself. It's really not that hard to understand.
God, I can't focus today. I just want to write, to sleep, to write some more, but I know the one thing I don't want to do is go to class.
Which means it's the one thing I have to do. Rawr.
After a nap. Or just an hour laying here and breathing and thinking.
What the hell is wrong with me?
A study in fears.
2007-09-13
