She parks her car outside of my house
Takes her clothes off
Says she's close to understanding Jesus
She knows she's more than just a little misunderstood
She has trouble acting normal when she's nervousI haven't done one of these in a few days. Perhaps that's because I often feel like there's nothing really to talk about, to inform the world of. There's little burning on my mind, truth be told. Or there was.
Yesterday was difficult. I woke up relatively early, dressed, and went to church back home. I made my parents and my little sister and my extended family happy, but I was miserable. It is not the thought of returning home that was so uncomfortable, but the fact that my first visit back was accompanied by a slew of people I vehemently dislike made me a little ill.
Well, that and the pill. I feel more than a little topsy-turvy and emotional at the moment, so I'm going to do my best to keep a brave face on. I hope I didn't upset mom and dad yesterday. It was like once I was there, I wasn't allowed to leave. I guess that would be the case anyway. I tried to be very nice to them...
This is so hard. Not because I miss being at home or I miss being with them, but because I don't. And going home to see them is great and all, but I don't want to stay as long as they would have me. I don't really like the drive back from there.
I just feel this overwhelming sense of guilt when I think about it. I love my parents, but I've never been one to be able to tell them everything that's going on in my life. I don't talk about what I don't feel is worth talking about.
What if I come back to get the HPV vaccine? Do I tell them why I'm in town, do I mention it at all? What if I have sex? Do I tell her? Will she be more upset if I do or if I don't?
What if, what if, what if.
I want to be with them from time to time. I do. I don't want to be there with a whole bunch of extended family ever again, but just them, that's fine. I just need to work it out.
I need it to be Tuesday.
He'll be here tomorrow. Tomorrow evening, I should say. I don't know what I'm expecting, I don't know what he's expecting, I just hope it's good.
I can't deal with another guilt fest right now.
~Red~
- Feeling: A little sick.
- Listening: Round Here - Counting Crows
- Reading: Bearing an Hourglass and The Naked Roommate
Nicole - 2007-08-20 14:59:50
I would say don't feel guilty, but you will anyway. I do know a little of what you are feeling though, my dad cooks on Sundays and tell us we have to eat at home, instead of telling him no, I have plans. I stay. And I LIVE AT HOME. He has a little trouble letting go. Big Hugs and I wish you the best for Tomorrow!
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Guiltapalooza.
2007-08-20
