Why is it that every time I allow my mind to wander to a land where a relationship with C is possible, and a good idea, he goes and does something ridiculously stupid and obliviously hurtful to me?

He has no comprehension that he is doing it, I know. Which makes it harder, because I don't know if I'm just going nuts, as I tend to do when a relationship is a possibility, or if he's just an idiot, as most men are.

It's nothing big, and nothing that would ruin a healthy relationship. So he didn't say goodbye when he went to work. Whatever. I see him every day, it's not a big deal. So he said something that came across rather callous and dismissive. He definitely didn't mean to. He never does.

His tone is easily misread. That's not his fault.

But I don't know if that's something I want to be around forever.

If I'm going to attempt to trust and to love him, I need to know that he will do the same for me. I need to know that he will try to not waste money so that maybe in the future he could come visit me instead of the other way around. I need to be able to view our conversations from a perspective of "He loves me, and even if his words may be misconstrued, he deserves the benefit of the doubt."

I am well aware that he would never intentionally hurt me. He certainly seems to be upset whenever I tell him he has. He calls me when I feel down, and he sends me funny links to cheer me up. He does everything he can. He goes beyond the limits of what he normally feels comfortable doing for other human beings to make me smile.

But doubt still tugs at me.

We've tried this before. When we decided to "try" deeming ourselves a couple, he immediately seemed to devolve into a careless and heartless little monkey. Our conversations were dull and lifeless, when I wanted hugs or e-hearts, he could only grunt or ignore my requests, if he didn't do something crueler.

Of course, this was his sense of humor. I also knew this before going into it. But, he had never treated me the way he treated other people.

Turns out, he didn't know how I wanted to be treated, so he reverted to his default mode, and assumed that I liked it. He had never been more wrong.

I ended it after a month and a half of being miserable. He made me feel like a clingy pest, when all I wanted was someone to talk to, someone who wanted me to be around.

We talked of my visiting, back then. I couldn't visit, because he wouldn't tell his parents about me. Silly, right? My parents know all about my life, there's nothing wrong with this. We're adults, we're responsible.

But he wouldn't tell them. He put it off until I realized he was never going to, so I dropped it. And there was no way he could visit me. He couldn't build up the money for school next semester, much less visiting me.

I felt defeated. I felt taken for granted. I felt stuck.

So I ended it and cut off all of our contact. He could play his games, he could spend all of his money on CDs and pen and paper game books. It didn't matter to me. If his priorities were himself and enjoying himself, then so be it. I couldn't do anything about it, and I was done being hurt by it.

So how did I come back into contact with him?

I broke it off at the end of February, beginning of March. My birthday was the 29th of March (I'm 18, woo!). I came home from a weekend at church which had involved me asking a potential crush if he had any interest in me (he didn't), and was feeling pretty down in the dumps.

There on my doorstep, was a package, from C. Inside, House, M.D. Season 1 DVDs.

I had gotten nothing like this for my birthday. Mostly money and gift certificates, which were appreciated, but somehow... he had known.

I logged into MSN, after having been vacant for a few weeks, and thanked him for the gift.

And we started talking again.

The way he treats me now, is nothing like the way he treated me then. We rushed into a decision that should have taken more time. He still likes me, a great deal, but I'm still tentative.

I leave on Friday to go see him. I'll spend a week with him. Somewhere in that week, I hope I will know how I feel. I need to know what it's like to be with him in person, so I can know how to take what he says and does when I'm not near him.

Self-doubt distorts a lot of our conversations, so I think getting a feel for what he's really like will help shut up that part of my brain that wants to wrongly interpret his statements.

I could be wrong, though. This could be another stupid mistake.

But I need someone to love me.

What if he can do it?

And if he can't, I move on.

I just hope I'm smart and strong enough to sort out the feelings.



0 have eaten my cookies

Ingredients | Recipe | Guestbook | Tips | Eatery

C is for Cookie. And that's good enough for me.
2007-05-12

Mrowr.